Where I came from...

One thing is for sure, when you're in the company of family and friends there is never a moment to doubt that you are loved. You feel it in your soul, your heart and ever fiber of your being. As I stood there watching everyone interact amongst each other and with me, I can't help but to feel a warm glow in my heart, these people love me- for my idiosyncratic ways and all the unexplainable quirks. A home coming to me is a time for reflection, a time to gather 'round and catch up on the goings on in everyones life, a time to fill up the the battery in you that can only be charged by people who has known you through every downfall, every milestone and every heart ache, the people that has been with you to hell and back and are still making a conscious decision to love you - no questions asked. They're the ones who tell you what you need to hear in a world of superficiality and instant gratification, they are the ones who are there at 3am when you are inconsolably miserable, the ones who celebrated your first kiss, your first job, your first child and were just as happy as you are. The ones to whom you owe so much of what you are about because they helped mold you to who you are, who you stand for and what you fight for every day. They're the ones who will fight for you and with you to the end and the first ones to call to check up on you or take care of you when you need some patching up. They're the ones who have been there, are still there and will be there when everyone else has come and gone. They're your real friends and they're your family and in a world of mobility - they are your constants. You just know when you are with them, no matter where you are in the world, you are loved and you are home.

HER

I am back!! I can't believe a whole year has gone by. My mom used to tell me: "After 30 things start happening in lightning speed, so savor the moments and enjoy them like they're your last". I have to say, I've always lived life in a very open mind, open heart, spontaneous way and every year that passes, I am reminded of how precious it is - not only to preach those words but believe it, really, really believe it. It is so hard in life not to be carried away and get sucked into feeling anything less than positive, after all, life doesn't always make things easy but this I can tell you has always been true for me - when life has you by the balls and you're squirming in pain and there's nothing else you want but to get the hell out, why don't you try a different approach? Instead of fighting it, GO WITH IT. Roll with the feeling and let it settle, feel the burn, feel the pain, learn from the pain, even LOVE the pain and I promise you the next thing you'll notice is the pain subsiding and your view of the world has changed. You would have learned that the pain was necessary to cleanse you, to make you appreciate the amazing stuff when it comes, enjoy it when it lingers, hold on to it when it decides to stay and be grateful for every moment it's within your grasp. I can honestly say, there are so many instances in life where I failed to do that, after all, it's human nature to not want to feel the pain - but the pain is there for a reason and the reason is - YOU NEED TO LEARN FROM IT. If you don't learn from this, I'm afraid it will self perpetuate until you finally learn the lesson it wants you to lucubrate and receive. Don't try to fight it - you will never win that battle.

Today, I am inspired to honor life and it's plethora of appropriation and beneficence. It's ability to throw you off course only to find out that this course was better than the one you were trekking all along. It's ability to make you laugh at yourself or even see yourself in a different point of view, it's ability to MAKE you feel uncomfortable and pleasantly surprised all at the same time, it's ability to make you eat a little or a big slice of some of her specialty, the humble pie, it's ability to take things and give things whenever it's necessary just to prove a point. I gotta tell you, Life is sounding more and more like a woman. She holds the key to your success, your happiness, your whole life is in the palm of her hands and you are scared and vulnerable but titillated and curious and all you have to do is accept and deduce her nature and her temperament but it's not easy, it's a serious undertaking, in fact, it may take you a lifetime to know her and just when you think you do, she may throw you for a loop BUT this I know, like a real woman's affection and unadulterated love - when you know how to deal with LIFE and her many inclinations and semblances, you will see that the "ball grab" is gone. You will be enlightened and FREE - free from disquiet uncertainties and vexations. And life will be that much sweeter and will have much more meaning because you have managed to seize her, possess her and accept her for all and everything she is about, because you stopped fighting her. The best arsenal you can bring to any "battle" - is compassion, empathy and a heart filled with love and free of judgments - that is the truth and it is no secret.

So, today - look life in her eyes, grab her by her hair, pull her close to you and tell her: "I am not afraid of you, I want to know what you are about and I am f*cking ready to go on this adventure with you, we will laugh, we will cry, we will sing and we will create so many memories and when the time has come that I close my eyes for the last time, I hope that we've done all that we intended to do and that we simply have no regrets"

It's 5:54 in the morning. I woke up from a dream that shook me inside and tore me to pieces. My dad was saying goodbye...Forever. All I could think about as I close my eyes were my moments with him, memories we've created over time like flashcards. Things we did, words he said, our laughter, our happy times. I am proudly my papa's favorite girl and everyone knows and somehow accepts that. Even my brother and sister. My dad is a good dad, he isn't perfect (but who is?) He tired his best though, that I know - he still does.

You see, I am a child of divorced parents. My mom and dad got married at 16, had me and a year later had my sister. My childhood was unconventional at the least. It was filled with drama and tears but there were also great, happy memories. I think I read somewhere that as a child one of our coping mechanism is we tend to set negative experiences aside to a place very dark never to be remembered again, until a cousin or a relative reminds you - "remember the time when..."

My mom and dad had a tumultuous relationship and my brother and I were the innocent spectators of that very unhappy relationship. We were the baggage that my mom had to carry every time she left the house to leave my dad and every time she left, my heart sinks to the floor and breaks into million pieces - over and over. I want to be with my dad but I want to be with my mom too. I beg, I plead, I make promises that I'll be a good girl - blaming myself for what happened. If I cried harder would she stay? If I promised to be good, would she stay? She never did.

As a result, I went to multiple schools throughout my school life. I've got thousands of friends and thousands more acquaintances. I've seen way too much, way too soon. But throughout my childhood I have had many saving graces. We have had to depend on the kindness of other people, friends and family and they always took us in and took care of us, helped us and even nurtured us. Those were the longest years of my life. I thought it would never pass.

I used to be embarrassed to say where I come from, who my parents are. I have this perfect picture in my head of that perfect family and every time I close my eyes, it used to hurt me to know that it will never be, until I found the courage to be me, to love me for who I am and where I came from. I realized that if I can't love myself for who I am, nobody can. I had to learn to love freely and unconditionally. I had to learn to let my past go, to forgive my parents and myself. It's OK. I'm OK. I am perfectly imperfect in my imperfectly perfect world.

Now I am a mom to a beautiful 11 year old little girl. She is my heart and my soul. She is part me and part her dad. She is divine. A product of love. I've learned so many things from my parents which translates into how I parent today. I took the good and made it better and threw all the bad away.

Today, I have a better understanding of who I am as a person and what I want from relationships in my life. I've understood and accepted that I may not be able to change my past but I can shape my future. I am because of the kindness of others, I am because those experiences made me who I am today.

Life is short, life is precious. Do not spend another moment being mad or angry. Heal yourself by letting go and forgiving. We are only humans and we are not perfect but we have to keep on believing that everyone is always trying their best every time, with what they have and with what they are given. Love your family, they're the only ones you have. Forgive easily because it doesn't do you well to hang on to negativity. Breathe kindness, breathe compassion, breathe love, and most of all, BE LOVE.

XOXO

-E