For JLatt

I hardly even know you and we've only had a few conversations between emails/texts, and a few pleasantry exchanges in the office.  We have never hung-out outside the bounds of suite 555's four walls but I feel compelled to tell you how much I admire your courage and your disposition towards everything that you must be going through.  I will not even begin to pretend that I know what you must be feeling, but, I know from what I've seen and heard that you are dealing with it beautifully.  It really teaches other people around you about the beauty in life and the happiness found in simple things, it teaches all of us appreciation and gratitude towards the little treasures that we have, and most importantly it teaches us to cherish the short life we are given and to never take our loved ones for granted.  I don't want to waste another minute being upset at my first world grievances, I want to spend all my days appreciating, loving, smiling, thanking, laughing, cherishing, learning, and experiencing life in all it's beauty.  I want to thank you for sharing your journey with us and being brave and serving as an inspiration to all of us.  I want to take it all in.  I want it to inspire me and all of us, so we can seek to be enlightened.  To look no further for happiness is a disposition, it isn't found in other people, places or things - happiness is found within your heart.  You've taught me that happiness is being comfortable with what IS and accepting what MAY.  

I see you and I think you are beautiful!

I am a 34 year old woman who seem normal and unassuming - some people might even call me sweet and friendly and they would be right - for the most part - I have my moments - and like most women I have a WHOLE plethora of emotions ranging from loath, fear, insecurity, anxiety, reluctance, self-pity, self-hate, and for the most part we are expected to keep it all contained in a tight, neat, muffin top free package.  That is a lot of pressure!  It isn't easy to be a woman these days, with all the unrealistic expectations that are brought on by media from commercials, magazines, newspaper, billboards, posters - all these entities telling us: how to be, who to be, what to be, who to be with  - every day, women all over the world, hear a "friendly" voice telling them what to cook, when to cook, how to cook, how to raise your kids, where to raise them, where to enroll them, how to discipline them, what exercise to do for tighter thighs, exercise for muffin tops, flabby arms, six pack, how to be a tiger in bed and a sheep in the street, how to please your man in 500 ways, how to love your naked body in 55 ways, how to look good in skinny jeans, what to say on your first date, how to act on your first date, what men want, what men DONT want, how to be make it to the top in stilettos, how to break the glass ceiling, how to exercise your rights - I don't know about you, but I didn't even have to rack my brain to come up with those and I am already exhausted just thinking about it.  TALK ABOUT PRESSURE.  No wonder why we are a nation of pill poppers, dope smokers, and alcoholics - I am in no way making excuses for people who use those as avenues to take the edge off ... I am just not judging.  I am the last person to judge.  We all have our share of things we aren't so proud of and things if we had another chance would want to delete from our record or even our memory (BUT then again those things made us who we are today, and I can NO longer speak for everyone when I say, I am pretty proud of where I am and who I have become)

It's time that we just try and love ourselves, because if we don't nobody else will.  It's time to stop the pressure to be the best, the sexiest, the most beautiful, the smartest, the funniest - let's just all support one another to the top, because, if it's one thing I am certain about in life - it is - "what goes around - comes around" it's the law of life and the universe.  It is OK not to be the sexiest, or the best cook, or the best at what you do - BUT it shouldn't be OK to use other people to move forward, or back stab, or be untrue to yourself and the people that genuinely love and care for you.  We are woman and we are blessed with the ability to be soft and firm with our thoughts and actions and we have the unique gift to be nurturers, so, let's nurture each other back to health.  Let's take care of one another and stop with the competition.  Life is already hard enough - we all don't need more pressure from each other - let's use this energy to fight the big bad wolf - the media who wants us to think we aren't perfect, that we are lacking and inept - because we aren't.  We are beautiful when we are being ourselves, not worried about "being" but JUST being.  You are so beautiful - more than you'll ever know.

Where I came from...

One thing is for sure, when you're in the company of family and friends there is never a moment to doubt that you are loved. You feel it in your soul, your heart and ever fiber of your being. As I stood there watching everyone interact amongst each other and with me, I can't help but to feel a warm glow in my heart, these people love me- for my idiosyncratic ways and all the unexplainable quirks. A home coming to me is a time for reflection, a time to gather 'round and catch up on the goings on in everyones life, a time to fill up the the battery in you that can only be charged by people who has known you through every downfall, every milestone and every heart ache, the people that has been with you to hell and back and are still making a conscious decision to love you - no questions asked. They're the ones who tell you what you need to hear in a world of superficiality and instant gratification, they are the ones who are there at 3am when you are inconsolably miserable, the ones who celebrated your first kiss, your first job, your first child and were just as happy as you are. The ones to whom you owe so much of what you are about because they helped mold you to who you are, who you stand for and what you fight for every day. They're the ones who will fight for you and with you to the end and the first ones to call to check up on you or take care of you when you need some patching up. They're the ones who have been there, are still there and will be there when everyone else has come and gone. They're your real friends and they're your family and in a world of mobility - they are your constants. You just know when you are with them, no matter where you are in the world, you are loved and you are home.

HER

I am back!! I can't believe a whole year has gone by. My mom used to tell me: "After 30 things start happening in lightning speed, so savor the moments and enjoy them like they're your last". I have to say, I've always lived life in a very open mind, open heart, spontaneous way and every year that passes, I am reminded of how precious it is - not only to preach those words but believe it, really, really believe it. It is so hard in life not to be carried away and get sucked into feeling anything less than positive, after all, life doesn't always make things easy but this I can tell you has always been true for me - when life has you by the balls and you're squirming in pain and there's nothing else you want but to get the hell out, why don't you try a different approach? Instead of fighting it, GO WITH IT. Roll with the feeling and let it settle, feel the burn, feel the pain, learn from the pain, even LOVE the pain and I promise you the next thing you'll notice is the pain subsiding and your view of the world has changed. You would have learned that the pain was necessary to cleanse you, to make you appreciate the amazing stuff when it comes, enjoy it when it lingers, hold on to it when it decides to stay and be grateful for every moment it's within your grasp. I can honestly say, there are so many instances in life where I failed to do that, after all, it's human nature to not want to feel the pain - but the pain is there for a reason and the reason is - YOU NEED TO LEARN FROM IT. If you don't learn from this, I'm afraid it will self perpetuate until you finally learn the lesson it wants you to lucubrate and receive. Don't try to fight it - you will never win that battle.

Today, I am inspired to honor life and it's plethora of appropriation and beneficence. It's ability to throw you off course only to find out that this course was better than the one you were trekking all along. It's ability to make you laugh at yourself or even see yourself in a different point of view, it's ability to MAKE you feel uncomfortable and pleasantly surprised all at the same time, it's ability to make you eat a little or a big slice of some of her specialty, the humble pie, it's ability to take things and give things whenever it's necessary just to prove a point. I gotta tell you, Life is sounding more and more like a woman. She holds the key to your success, your happiness, your whole life is in the palm of her hands and you are scared and vulnerable but titillated and curious and all you have to do is accept and deduce her nature and her temperament but it's not easy, it's a serious undertaking, in fact, it may take you a lifetime to know her and just when you think you do, she may throw you for a loop BUT this I know, like a real woman's affection and unadulterated love - when you know how to deal with LIFE and her many inclinations and semblances, you will see that the "ball grab" is gone. You will be enlightened and FREE - free from disquiet uncertainties and vexations. And life will be that much sweeter and will have much more meaning because you have managed to seize her, possess her and accept her for all and everything she is about, because you stopped fighting her. The best arsenal you can bring to any "battle" - is compassion, empathy and a heart filled with love and free of judgments - that is the truth and it is no secret.

So, today - look life in her eyes, grab her by her hair, pull her close to you and tell her: "I am not afraid of you, I want to know what you are about and I am f*cking ready to go on this adventure with you, we will laugh, we will cry, we will sing and we will create so many memories and when the time has come that I close my eyes for the last time, I hope that we've done all that we intended to do and that we simply have no regrets"

It's 5:54 in the morning. I woke up from a dream that shook me inside and tore me to pieces. My dad was saying goodbye...Forever. All I could think about as I close my eyes were my moments with him, memories we've created over time like flashcards. Things we did, words he said, our laughter, our happy times. I am proudly my papa's favorite girl and everyone knows and somehow accepts that. Even my brother and sister. My dad is a good dad, he isn't perfect (but who is?) He tired his best though, that I know - he still does.

You see, I am a child of divorced parents. My mom and dad got married at 16, had me and a year later had my sister. My childhood was unconventional at the least. It was filled with drama and tears but there were also great, happy memories. I think I read somewhere that as a child one of our coping mechanism is we tend to set negative experiences aside to a place very dark never to be remembered again, until a cousin or a relative reminds you - "remember the time when..."

My mom and dad had a tumultuous relationship and my brother and I were the innocent spectators of that very unhappy relationship. We were the baggage that my mom had to carry every time she left the house to leave my dad and every time she left, my heart sinks to the floor and breaks into million pieces - over and over. I want to be with my dad but I want to be with my mom too. I beg, I plead, I make promises that I'll be a good girl - blaming myself for what happened. If I cried harder would she stay? If I promised to be good, would she stay? She never did.

As a result, I went to multiple schools throughout my school life. I've got thousands of friends and thousands more acquaintances. I've seen way too much, way too soon. But throughout my childhood I have had many saving graces. We have had to depend on the kindness of other people, friends and family and they always took us in and took care of us, helped us and even nurtured us. Those were the longest years of my life. I thought it would never pass.

I used to be embarrassed to say where I come from, who my parents are. I have this perfect picture in my head of that perfect family and every time I close my eyes, it used to hurt me to know that it will never be, until I found the courage to be me, to love me for who I am and where I came from. I realized that if I can't love myself for who I am, nobody can. I had to learn to love freely and unconditionally. I had to learn to let my past go, to forgive my parents and myself. It's OK. I'm OK. I am perfectly imperfect in my imperfectly perfect world.

Now I am a mom to a beautiful 11 year old little girl. She is my heart and my soul. She is part me and part her dad. She is divine. A product of love. I've learned so many things from my parents which translates into how I parent today. I took the good and made it better and threw all the bad away.

Today, I have a better understanding of who I am as a person and what I want from relationships in my life. I've understood and accepted that I may not be able to change my past but I can shape my future. I am because of the kindness of others, I am because those experiences made me who I am today.

Life is short, life is precious. Do not spend another moment being mad or angry. Heal yourself by letting go and forgiving. We are only humans and we are not perfect but we have to keep on believing that everyone is always trying their best every time, with what they have and with what they are given. Love your family, they're the only ones you have. Forgive easily because it doesn't do you well to hang on to negativity. Breathe kindness, breathe compassion, breathe love, and most of all, BE LOVE.

XOXO

-E

Things on my desk...

I haven't written in a while and I am afraid that the saying: If you dont use it you lose it- is starting to kick in. I had some free time and I wanted to clear my mind, meditate and do a mental exercise. A friend suggested I write about something arbitrary and meaningless. So here I go.



My eyes gandered to all the clutter on my desk and for a while now there's many a debate that goes on regarding peoples work desk and what it looks like and how it is related to who they are and their general psyche. Well, judging from what it looks like now, I must be a disturbed person with organizational problems. Which brings me to, not giving a snap judgment and perhaps giving someone the benefit of the doubt but then again people say first impressions lasts. How does one overcome a bad first impression? How can I still be efficient, get things done and keep an orderly desk throughout the day? I suppose, I can slow down and tidy up every few minutes, but I am a go-getter and very task oriented which means, I cannot leave my desk without getting everything done on my checklist that day, which doesnt leave a lot of room for cleaning up - I do try and clean up after work, that way tomorrow when I am coming in to work, I am starting a fresh slate - all these questions - make me tired, it's like juggling way too many balls all at once, and being a woman, I am all but too familiar with juggling balls and multi tasking. I have to make dinner, do laundry, fold the clothes, be a good mom, go to PTA meetings, plays, assemblies, help my daughter with homework, be at work on time, produce excellent, impeccable projects, finish my to do lists at work, manage workers, stay svelte and slim, never get wrinkles, eat well, stay grounded, go to yoga, read, don't ever let my boss down, don't get sick, be loving and rational at the same time, get groceries, plan the week's meals, be happy, be strong, stay positive, have my own interests, call my parents, spend time with my friends, BE PERFECT- HOLY $hit! That's a lot of pressure for one person. No wonder, there are a growing number of mental institutions and a growing number of pain medication addiction in women. They all just want to drown that pain and go back to being perfect. We like most women are ashamed to say, I can't do it all. I need help, instead we look at ourselves as failure if we can't accomplish all of these things. Our bars are set too high and it's not like it stays there, it gets higher and higher, it seems. What are we to do?



Did we really liberate ourselves through Women's Rights? We are able to vote, we are able to hold jobs in the work force, we are even CEOs now - was that a wise choice or did we just (like typical women) create more work for us? I am sure while they were fighting for women's rights before they didn't think it was going to be this hectic. Boy Oh Boy! Were they ever wrong. Wrong in a sense that - in my humble opinion, being a woman these days - you have to be thick-skinned but sensitive, passionate but removed, submissive but not domineering, smart but not too intelligent and a list of contradictions go on. Look, all I'm saying is - society expects us to be a lot more which feels nice in some ways, because at least they know that we are capable. But on the other hand, this produces a lot of issues with women, perfectionism is not a strength neither should we strive for that, it is impossible to be perfect and that should never be a standard for anything and anybody, it is a recipe for failure and disappointment.



As a society, I urge us to slow down and look at the casualties of all this mess. We are breeding over achieving, pill popping, instant gratification, over stimulated, eating disorder daughters. Children don't do well listening, they follow what they see. We need to set examples for our daughters and for them to have realistic expectations of what and how a woman should be. Yes, she should be strong, intellligent, articulate, and well-adjusted but she should also be given some room for growth and improvement, room to make a healthy amount of mistakes. She should learn that it's OK to make mistakes, as a matter of fact, many an invention are born this way. Trial and Error is what makes us human and what helps us learn and grow and thrive and develop. We have got to slow down and simplify. Simplify our life, simplify our children's lives. Stop packing soccer lessons, piano lessons, ballet lessons, french lessons, violin lessons, basketball practice, football practice, chess, homework, into one week - let us all unencumber ourselves with all these expectations and just take what you need. Our kids will be fine - trust me. Like most adults my age, when we were kids, we didn't have all of what kids nowadays have, we didn't have cell phones, we didn't have internet (atleast for some part of our childhood and even then after that, we had dial ups and modem, can you imagine your son/daughter getting a cable and hooking it up to a phone line and waiting for a tone? ha!) we got fed junk, we watched tv but we also got left alone in our rooms with our imagination, we got to run around in an open field to play with friends and only came home when it was dark outside, we got to play under a full moon, we got to bike/walk to our friends house with no worries, we got to imagine our dream homes, we played in the rain and flood. We were connected to what was around us. Let's give the same thing to our kids, let's let them be kids, let them struggle, let them be alone and bored from time to time, let them be. Let's stop living vicariously through them. Let them decide - if they want to learn to play the piano or the violin, let them decide if they want dance lessons - when they're older, when they're brains are more equiped to make decisions like this. Don't decide for them. In the meantime, the best we can do for them is to spend time with them and nourish them and let their self shine through, let them be who they will be but with gentle guidance from their surroundings, from what they see from their mom and dad and everything else around them. Let them see that this world doesn't expect for them to be perfect, in fact, they expect for them to just be themselves and love themselves. The world, doesn't expect anything else from you but to just be happy so that in turn you are able to infect others around you. Strive to be happy. In the end, it really is all there is.

Happy heart, happy mind, happy soul

An attitude of gratitude brings opportunities and it doesn't stop coming as long as you hold on to that belief. It is the most powerful tool you can have in life - the ability to turn a sticky situation into a wonderland of possibilities. Yesterday, I was asked by my friend Neil to walk for Calvin Tran fashion show and since Calvin Tran is one of my favorite designers, I simply must do it. I walked in there and made it my bitch. I say that with all humbleness - meaning, I walked in there with a happy heart, an open mind and feet firmly planted to the ground and with those three tools, I was able to meet new friends, inspire people and had a BLAST. In many occassions I have proven time and time again that when you project what you feel inside your heart - your stance, your smile, your words and your thoughts immediately represent that. What's in your heart is something you just can't fake and when you have a happy one - you can't help but spread those same thoughts and feelings to the people that surround you. Laughter, positivity, kindness are all infectious.

Sometimes, I think to myself, am I just too breezy and easy-going? Should I tighten the reins a little? Nah! In retrospect, I happen to like my approach, it's worked for me for many years and I'm not going to change now. I am simply not going to fix something that isn't broken. Although, I admire people who are a bit more serious and business-like in their approach to life and love, I simply cannot see myself in the same grouping of individuals.

So, what have I learned? I've learned to always let my manners speak for me, I've learned to always speak my truth and to always socialize with compassion, kindness and grace because the power of love and compassion is inifite and far reaching. It warms a cold heart, it turns a frown upside down, and it brings you many blessings, many friends and many happy memories. And isn't it what life is all about? Creating memories, enjoying what you do whatever it may be, cultivating relationships, loving with all your heart, living with passion and dedication and laughing your ass off along the ride.